apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
