this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
