So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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