Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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