I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
