Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
