Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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