Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
