did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
