My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
