I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
