So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
