Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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