you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
