adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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