My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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