dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
