my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
