Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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