Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize