We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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