If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
