The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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