Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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