You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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