Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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