Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
