I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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