make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
