How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
