; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
