I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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