A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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