ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
