i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
