I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I made him laugh his dick is mine
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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