I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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