And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
