Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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