There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Randomize
