Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
