Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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