True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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