Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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