I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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