I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
did i just pee glitter
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
