If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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