for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Randomize
