it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
