I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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