i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
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