she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
