she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Couch. On fire.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
