I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
