I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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