My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
