So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
