My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize