have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
We got so high we made milksteak
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
