tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize